The 4 types of drug cheats.

One of the biggest sporting controversies, especially in the last decade, is the use of performance enhancing drugs. A variety of sports have been affected by drug cheats, and identifying the athletes that were apart of the small selection that did dope, and reprimanding them. The punishments for substance abuse differs tremendously across different sports. Whether it is the 2 year ban in Athletics, or facing federal charges for perjury. Identifying drug cheats has become a game of guess who, and I’m going to identify the different groups of these athletes.

1) The “you cheated, we know you cheated, you know you cheated, can you just admit it please”.

This group, to give it a shorter term, will now be branded “The Bonds/Clemens paradigm”. This group of athletes are the ones who have yet to be indicted of taking PED’s, but the majority of people have used common sense to realise that athletes, like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, cheated to place themselves in the sporting pantheon.

These athletes have abused the trust in the people who support them, the people who trusted them, they acted like the cheating girlfriend, betraying the trust of the people who cared of there endeavours.

More often than not, as people, they’re absolute sh*ts.

2) “You admitted it, and your working on regaining our trust, fair play to you”

Group 2, or “The Andy Pettite experiment” is the drug cheats who admit it whilst still in the duration of their playing career. Most will admit to it in a tear-filled press conference, where 3 point will be made:

a) “I was naïve, and regretted it immensely”
b) "I was unaware at the time what I was taking"
c) "I’m sorry, and will work to regain the trust people thrusted upon me, time to grow up and make amends."

No problem with the apology, in fact if you had to be in one group, this may be the best to be in, the groups namesake Andy Pettite is regarded as some sort of drug taking Jesus after admitting his HGH use and promising to make amends. Right thing to do, but I always feel people that admit taking PED’s are given an easier ride than they deserve, at the end of the day, they still cheated on all of us.

3) “Oh, too busy for a drug test, hiding something Rio?”

“The Rio Ferdinand paradox” is when you inexplicably fail to attend a standard drug test. Character traits you need to slot into this bracket, is unquestioned arrogance, a lack of common sense, and to be a prima donna, The namesake, Rio Ferdinand, showed all these “qualities” when he received an 8 month ban for his failure to attend a drug test. Although, as he was English, the media rallied around him, gave him a shoulder to moan on and protested he hadn’t done anything wrong. The question needed to be asked. Why? Why couldn’t he turn up to the test? Why not reschedule? Why not tell the tester you wouldn’t be able to make it?

There’s no reason to believe Rio Ferdinand is an innocent man in all of this, and the icing atop the metaphorical cake, is upon returning from the 8 month ban, he held the biggest club in the world hostage over a new contract. That’s like borrowing your friends CD, losing it, then going back an asking to borrow a DVD, it’s obnoxious, rude and arrogance all down to a fine art.

4) “The Lance Armstrong experience”.

This one is different to the rest on two counts.

a) it’s all about one man
b) The public vehemently deny the accusations, more with their heart than head.

Armstrong’s story isn’t a secret, a cyclist diagnosed with testicular cancer, given a very unfavourable recovery rate, overcome adversity, got back on the bike, and annually won cycling biggest prize, the “tour de France” Winning the race 7 times, Armstrong has had to overcome the next challenge, the critics.


Throughout his career, as much as the general public have revelled and been inspired by the tale of courage and commitment, the cynics and sceptics have accused Armstrong’s success being the benefit of PED abuse. Despite testing negative in every test (bar 1 in 1999, which was cleared as a result of a skin cream containing “corticoids”), and retiring for over a year, Armstrong still has to endure constant scrutiny from various governing bodies.

The general consensus is that, there’s a fear he may have taken something during his career, something which is as common as a hot dinner in cycling, with Alberto Contador, a 3 time “tour de France” winner being the latest to test positive, and reports suggesting a lengthy ban will follow.

If Armstrong is to be found to be a drugs cheat, the ripples felt around the world will be similar to when Michael begins to take over the Corleone business in “The Godfather”. It will catch us by surprise, and will strongly change the opinion of his character.

If this were to happen, his record as a cyclist would be in question, but he will still be a cancer survivor, and a inspirational story, but will also be a name etched onto the wall of shame, alongside Marion Jones, Mark McGwire and Alex Rodriguez.